How much does your ego control your life?

 When we hear the word 'ego', our minds often tend to drift toward a person who is conceited, superficial or has an inflated sense of self-worth. We tend to associate the word with someone who thinks that they are better than others, who perhaps might be quite vain or someone who may be quite arrogant.  Ego however, is very much a part of everyone's minds, no matter how humble you may be and no matter how many insecurities you may have.

Ego, in a Psychological sense is essentially our perception of who we are. It is who we see ourselves as; our beliefs, our fears, our desires and our ideas about ourselves. These can be affected by what we are told as children, how society treats us and the perception we have of others around us. 

In a Spiritual sense, the ego is that wall that is preventing you from accepting what we really are - consciousness. If I were to describe myself in four statements, I might say - 

"My name is Elisha, I am 22 years old, I live in North Yorkshire and I love yoga." 

Well that sounds like a pretty sound statement, that could be used to sum me up - this is my 'ego' in a Psychological sense, as this is a very superficial way for me to define myself. However, from a spiritual perspective, this does not define me in any sense. I could change my name by Deed Poll, I will be 23 on my next birthday, I could decide to move to Switzerland and become a milk maid, and I could end up disliking yoga (although I doubt that will ever happen). 

Essentially, we are not stagnant beings, we are fluid and ever-changing. The only thing, that we are and will be ever be is consciousness, much like everything else in the universe. This is what connects us to the universe and to whichever diving being we may look up to.

I recommend anyone reading this to look into spiritual ego more, as it really helps us to detach from any labels that we or other people might have put on us, that we feel are stopping us from becoming the best versions of ourselves, but is also considered an integral teaching of spirituality.

However, today I want to talk about ego in another sense of the word and move on to the real discussion of the day: How much does your ego control your life?

Now stay with me here, because I have another definition of the word but this one is a lot more simple. The idea of ego that we will be discussing today is that little voice in your head that tells you to do things that you know won't serve you, but will feel good anyway.

Let's use an example (which I have observed in someone I was once very close with): you're with a good group of friends at a bar and you see an attractive person heading outside to the smoking area. You don't smoke and you're not even interested in a relationship right now, but a little voice in your head tells you to use the excuse to your friends that you need some air and so you head outside. Now, either one of two things can happen - that attractive person could notice you or they may not.
  Let's say that they notice you, and they pay you a compliment - you've left your group of friends and it has paid off, and you therefore head back inside feeling good about yourself. Now let's say they don't notice you at all or even worse, they question why you are outside on your own and appear to be judging you. You would then head back inside to look for your friends, feeling that the action did not pay off and questioning why you followed them in the first place. You may feel slightly deflated and this might even ruin your mood.

This is a clear example of when you let your ego control your decisions. It's that little voice in the back of your head that tells you to do something that will superficially make you feel good, such as receiving attention or receiving a compliment, that doesn't really make sense and perhaps doesn't really serve in your best interests, but that you still may act on. It would make much more sense for you to continue enjoying your night with your group of friends and to be around people who genuinely care for you, but unfortunately your ego can cause you to do the opposite by means of seeking false gratification.

I have let my ego control my decisions many times, in fact, I would even go as far as to say that it ruled my life for many years.
  When I was a child, I had very low self-esteem which was only made worse in my early teenage years when I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that affected my appearance. I was bullied during my first years of high school and often felt that I was unworthy and 'different' to my school friends. My poor self-esteem was so deeply ingrained in me that I had no idea how to improve it, so instead I turned to fuelling my ego, making decisions based on what that little voice in my head was telling me to do, with the promise that I would feel better about myself. In turn I was making bad decisions, which would provide me with false-gratification, that at the time lead me to feel good about myself, but would later be cast up to me by the people around me, making me feel judged, misunderstood and often very humiliated. I lost friends through fuelling my ego, and was unknowingly giving up on meaningful friendships, accomplishments and memories. The judgement that I received for these decisions completely obliterated any real chance of self-esteem that I had and it took me many years to recover from this.

I was not a bad person, nor did those bad decisions ever define me as a person or define my values, but that does not mean that the judgement and repercussions of those decisions did not affect me and worsen my already terrible self-esteem. It wasn't for many years, that I stopped doing what my ego was telling me to do and actually listen to what I really needed and what would best serve me, and in that found genuine happiness.

You see, your ego is a bit like a much younger, more rebellious, more reckless and much more shallow version of your own mind, but it still has the power to govern your decisions and actions. You would not let your irresponsible thirteen year old self make all your important decisions in your life, so why is the ego such a powerful force that can drive us? Well simply put, because it feels good. It's a bit like when you know you have work in the morning, but still choose to stay out super late - you forget the repercussions and how it might make you feel later, because you're caught in the moment. The ego knows what will give us false gratification, it knows what will make us feel good in ourselves temporarily and it knows what will give us that temporary boost that will have us feeling quite smug about ourselves, but it has the power to make us forget what's important and what we should be doing instead.

Unfortunately, not all actions that are driven by ego pay off and very rarely are the decisions we make through ego are the right ones. I know that my bad decisions as a teenager hurt people's feelings, which was never something my conscious mind would ever be willing to do. It can cloud our judgement so much so that we push aside our real values and come across as bad people.

I'm very grateful that I was able to bring this part of my mind to light and to stop letting it govern my decisions, but I know people who have lived their entire lives fuelling their ego; making bad decisions just because they feel superficially good at the time and instead have missed out on genuine, organic and wholesome memories, that mean far more to us than these instances of false gratification.

Some people suggest that in order to be the best version of yourself, you need to kill your ego. But the simple fact is, you can't. Your ego is very much a part of your mind and your self, and not something that you can kill. Instead, you can treat it like you might treat a misguided teenager - show it that there are better things out there. Show it that there are more meaningful (and more responsible) things that you can do that bring you happiness; genuine, deep-routed and organic happiness. If your ego suggests something, tell it you've got a better idea and show it your idea of a good time - not the idea that it might have, but one that will bring genuine satisfaction. 

So my final thought on this post, is not to make decisions that fuel your ego, but make choices that will feed your soul.

So how much do you let your ego govern your decisions? Have you ever done anything that you knew was purely for false gratification, when there was an option that would have better served you? How much are you relying on your ego to boost your sense of self-worth, and is it really working? 

Let me know your thoughts!